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surefire ways to become a superhero

 

Who has never dreamed of having superpowers and having the unique possibility of saving the world? With these wise tips, you too can become an icon of Good vs. Evil and have your paperclip hidden on a bunch of merchandise.

 

Choose the right costume

“Well, a guy who dresses like a bat clearly has problems” (Batman Begins, 2005).

Do you have a racoon phobia? Become Super Racoon-or even The Coon (in English that farts better) to bring order and overcome your fear. It'll cost you less than therapy. Do you like flashy tights? The briefs over? Maggots in makeup? No problem. Let your creativity run free.

Do not balk at responsibilities

“Remember, with great power comes great responsibility” (Spider-Man, 2002).

If you are the fat lazy irresponsible type, you might as well tell you right away, it's not won. You must already take care of the security of a city (Gotham, Metropolis, New-York ...) and if the slightest problem arises (sector failure, ET invasion, SuperVillains released into the wild, various Mafias ...) it will necessarily be your fault. Choose your field of action wisely: choose places that are easy to watch, such as the locality La Chaussairie (Chartres-de-Bretagne).

Overcome the absence of superpowers

"No power, no responsibilities" (Kick-Ass, 2002).

If you have any gift, you will be morally obliged to put it at the service of the community. Note that if it is your ability to recite the alphabet while burping, it is not useful to benefit humanity. On the other hand, you won't be expected if you belong to the powerless majority. If you're not armed with cash like Batman or Iron Man, you can't really deal with your lack of superpowers without hard training and a combination of circumstances.

Control your toys well

"What's the use of owning a racing car if you can't drive it?" (Iron-Man 2, 2010)

Think useful. Have you managed to get a fireball, requisition weapons of war and mastery of explosives? Learn how to use it before your first outings. And no, playing jump truck with a tampered quad is not within your remit.

Surround yourself well

"What do you think about giving geeks another chance?" (X-Men, 2000)

Lone superheroes are a thing of the past. Even Superman works as a team with the JLA. Hire the local nerd to think for you.To you the glory, the fame and the action, to your underlings the logistics, the obscurity, the poverty wages and the thankless tasks.

Find enemies

"You are strong but I fought harder than that." (Thor, 2011)

As soon as you are recognized as a local superhero, you will have no difficulty in attracting the hatred of one or more thugs, furious at not being able to sow chaos quietly. Your fierce struggle will occupy the inhabitants of the country you are defending and yourself at the same time, because going to look for the cats in the trees and to prevent the buses from running over the children who cross without looking (little johns-foutres) it's okay five minutes ...

Knowing how to manage your dual identity

"What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker? Spider-Man is dating the girl." (Kick-Ass, 2010)

Despite the psychological disorders inherent in a parallel activity requiring disguise and hiding, know how to take advantage of the mystery surrounding your heroic double to squeeze everything that happens. By saving people, you will have easier access to their underwear because they will be grateful. You will be able to lead a double life by finding yourself someone in the civil, for the solid, the durable, the normal what, and the opportune sex parties who will scramble to have the honors of a night visit. Don't forget your costume because otherwise it will be a break-in and in fact you won't get any of it but you can get it.

Be inflexible

"You don't win the war by being nice" (Captain America: the first avenger, 2011)

You must certainly help people and make the world a better place, but do not lose sight of the first objective: you are there to fight, you have to hit bad guys to make them want to start over (they will start over, but they will take a little longer to get up if you put your effort into it). You are not here to sell ties, you are here to fight hate and violence with hate, violence and pie in the face. You can give free rein to the nag that lies dormant in you, as long as you specify that you are on the side of Good. We will even put the police at your disposal, so do yourself a favor.

Choose your orientation well

"Either you die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become a villain" (The Dark Knight, 2008)

Before embarking on the Fight Against the Dark Arts (LCFM) ask yourself if you are really made for good. You haven't thought about it, but maybe Evil offers you better opportunities. Make an appointment with the guidance counselor.